Friday, February 16, 2007

Journalling

I was trying to catch up in my journalling this week and I came upon a bunch of entries in a journal that I had covered in phrases. "Do not read," "burn when I die," "Please do not open." I remember this journal but, I don't know why I kept it.

To say my siblings did not get along all the time would be an understatement. We all had kind of a crazy relationship. One minute we would all be sitting playing a game and the next thing I knew everyone was in an uproar. WE COULD FIGHT! Or should I say they would fight, I would cry and then write in this journal. It was a powerful tool growing up because I hated the screaming. I did not want to be a part of it. Even though every once in while I could be a part of it with a vengeance. I would write what I wanted to scream into the notebook and then I could put it away and go on. One of my sisters was the boss and it was her job to keep all of us on top of our chores and to keep us alive. After passing out assignments she would rock in her chair for hours listing to music and singing only to come out a few minutes before mom came home to tell us what we still needed to get done. My other sister was the instigator. She knew just how to get what she wanted. She could throw a fit and kick up a whirlwind that would slow down into a calm peaceful stare. My brother was the go to guy. We loved to see what we could make him do, which in turn turned him into the "fall guy" he got into trouble for just about everything. Even if someone else did it. I wrote in this journal almost every day. We would fight almost everyday. and I would put all of my emotion into that journal. I think that is why I could just cry and not get into the fight very often.

When I look at my family today I can see how we got the way we did. Sister Number one is so controlled and organized. Her family runs on a schedule that is kept in line very closely. Her kids walk in ironed clothes and "done up" hair. They are a happy family. Number two had open heart surgery in 11th grade and she has been a different person ever since. Her family is peaceful, her house is kept clean but, not neat she has a calm that walks with her. I think she is trying to avoid an explosion. My brother has just gotten married after a few(to put it mildly) girlfriends he has been "in love" with. He wandered for a long time before settling into the swing of his life. I think because he was forced to be who we wanted him to be for so long. I have turned into a very complacent person. Finding a way to avoid any turmoil in my life. I tend to ignore problems. You can't do this as an adult. Things just go on snowballing without you looking until you find yourself surrounded in a cold place with no way of knowing what direction is up.

I think finding this journal and evaluating all of the passages has made me look at things in a new light. I wonder why my siblings and I turned out so differently but I can see why we had to fight to be who we are today, we are all happy, we all seem to find the peace in our lives. It has been a fun journey and I know we all loved each other the whole way through the ride.

I have torn the journal to shreds. The things inside were not pleasant to read They were mean and not at all true statements about three people who I have come to love very dearly. I say come to love because I think we all love our families but we have to come to love who they are individually without holding them to the same standards we hold ourselves to. Just because they came from the same house that I did does not mean they are going to be just like me. Or even that we have to have more that DNA in common. But, we love them. We support them in what they so. And we find our who they are through there own eyes. There own stories. I bet we would tell three very different versions of our childhood together.