Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Still CRAZY but kicking just the same!!!!


This picture just matched the mood I am in today!! It has nothing to do with my news! However freedom has returned to my world I feel as if I have been putting my whole life on hold for the past few months. I love blogging but have not been able to do it lately with all of the things going on here in my small little world that I love. I have decided that I was not a very good mom! Sure My kids went to bed at night still breathing and that counts for something. But I realized that my son is 3 years old and I sort of missed it, I have been so stressed about being the every thing mom that I have not been able to see who he is and get to know him. I spent years living behind a camera which in turn has given us some pretty cute scrapbooks but I am not in them! I realized that I want to be in them! So here I was trying to earn extra money that we really don't need by babysitting and I was so much more stressed out by the extra that I gave it up and for the past couple of weeks I have been playing with my children. We have painted and read stories and listened to an album I got from my husband for Christmas that My dad liked and I think at least for the time being I have found some happiness! I love playing! And there is nothing wrong with playing now and cleaning later!! I think I was meant to be raised by a flower child even if he has come to me late in life I am discovering my father through reading the words he wrote. He was a true soul man. He wrote what he felt and pulled no punches. And, although he was a stern critic of himself he left behind his drafts. I think I have uncovered his thought process and I hope to be able to get his work published someday!! I think if I were raised with him closer I would have unleashed my inner self much sooner. I think he would have brought out the spirit inside of me long ago, I sometimes wonder where I would be if he had been able to let me run wild with him by my side!
He comes to me now late at night when I least expect it. I feel him watching over me as I study the words of the savior. He bring me little moments of tender hugs while I dream and I love him for it. He is my soul mate The Father who even when I feel we have been torn apart is still very near to me. I love the Gospel and the fact the I know I will be able to get to know him for who he really if not just who I imagine him to be.
So here I am back on my journey I hope you all will come along and let me send My thoughts back out to the few people who are out there!!

4 comments:

chronicler said...

It is good to hear from you again! I am glad you are finding yourself in your father's words. He was quite the wordsmith. I loved him dearly and can hardly wait for you to get to know him better.

s'mee said...

I echo C's words, I am excited to know how much your dad means to you. I know we too miss him and feel him close.

this is awesome.

Bri said...

Welcome back, missed you! Call me sometime, and we will schedule those pics :o) Bri

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