I swear the last bit of being pregnant is the worst. I have been so done for a while lately and I am trying to stay positive and just enjoy the process this time. But then I thought I need you guys to keep me sane. I am such a bad mom when I am pregnant. Not because I am mean or anything to my kids but, because I cannot do anything with them. it seems like the minute I get pregnant I throw up and then do not stop for ten months.
This time I have been able to stay off of some of the horrific medication that I have been on in the past. A few I.V.'s some meds, but suffering through is what I have chosen to do instead. And I have done it. I am proud that I have done it. With the help of my wonderful husband we have come through this and even have managed to gain a little weight! (which in itself is a huge blessing) I have been taken care of by my man in a way that has brought us so close. I thought I could not love him more but, with each day he shows me how much more love my heart is capable of. He really has brought me through this.
I don't want anyone to think I am not grateful.. I am!! I truly am!
BUT.... I am so DONE! I don't know if I can survive even one more day of my kids not having the mom they deserve. I can't play with them, I can not bathe them, we can't do all of the things they are used to doing with me. I miss them so much and I know they miss me. If I have to say "Mommy just can't today" and hear "because you sick with a baby in your belly" I swear I will not stop crying until I deliver. Even as I type this Ora is crying in the background because she wants Daddy and mommy can do nothing to make her feel better.
So heres what I need from you all! If I ever say that I am baby hungry again, and am thinking of having another one, please help me remember why I Can't!! There is just no way I can do this to my family again. I have prayed and prayed and I know we are done, I know this now, in the throws of all of this but I am worried that in a year that I will think "hey it wasn't that bad." But I am letting all of you know, Yes, it was that bad. My kids have suffered, my husband has suffered, and I am sure my body suffers. And there is just no way I can do this again, Michael will remember this one. In a year he starts school and how would I get him there if I can't drive. How could I help him with his homework. I couldn't! So please if you ever here me say "I think I could do it again" You say "Yes, Erin you could. Your kids could not! You have four babies to take care of now. They do not deserve to loose there mother even for just 10 months. "
Thanks for letting me share everyone.
5 comments:
You are the strongest person I know. I know that you look at everything right now and think what an awful Mom I am being, but you are so the opposite. You are such an amazing mom who I look up to and admire on so many levels. You are sacrificing your body to being a precious soul into this world. All because you love being a Mom. I will remind you of this when next year rolls around but for today and until Abby gets here keep being strong. Michael is smart and understands that this is not you. He will look back at this time as a glimpse, memory of it or not. He will be grateful for you bringing him another baby sister. I know I can only talk but please just know that you are so incredibly strong and you can do anything. Your kids are blessed to have you whole or in part, you are wonderful. Wish I could be closer to you. I love you.
"and even have managed to gain a little weight! (which in itself is a huge blessing)"
Words most women never say!
I am not sure the reminder is really going to help. If there's another sibling waiting in the wings... well just ask your mom about that!
I'm so sorry, it's so hard. You'll get there, just hold on.
Thanks everyone!
Ah Pea...I kind of have to go with Robyn on this one. I was exactly where you are now when I was pregnant with the electrician. Flat on my back for weeks, no hubby, and having the Fireman making cold cereal and peanut butter sammiiches for about five weeks! I thought it was it, I was done, no more kids lurking anywhere, then four years later the flu that wouldn't die and the Scholar arrived and we were SO happy (once she actually was born, I was scared to death through the whole pregnancy!)
I agree with Shinbou, you are one of the most awesome moms I know, I wish I was as good as you! Wow! And *if* another baby comes, now, later, in five or ten years, well, you'll be just fine and so will the kids. HUGS and let's get that little one here soon! : )
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